Walking football report 25th Jan

Walking Football 8th Game

Unfortunately for me I had forgotten to bring my ear defenders so as I approached the pitch I was subjected to the sounds of the warm-up. From a distance it sounded like the amplified soundtrack of the popular TV advert for a well known breakfast cereal. “Snap, crackle and pop.”

The Mighty Vicko inflated his lungs and was about to blow the whistle when he spied a latecomer trying to slink unnoticed on to the pitch.

“I say chappy,” he said in his mellifluous Liverpool accent. “You appear to be a tad late. For that great sin, you must write out 100 times I must not be late, unless I`ve got a note from me Mam. Please don`t let it happen again as it disturbs the equilibrium of the proceedings.” Gosh! He has such a way with words!

The delay caused the crowd to begin chanting “Why are we waiting, Oh why are we waiting?” In an effort to appease the hordes the Mighty Vicko indicated with his delicate fingers that this would be the second start, and the game began.

Right from the start the Coffin Dodgers went into the attack, showing no mercy. Their spirited action paid dividends when Fiery Fred scored their first goal. Hurrah!

Despite wonderful defensive play by one of our new players, Alan Missfire Malcolm, Fiery Fred scored yet again making the score 2 – 0 to the Dodgers.

From the other end, goalie Fred De Merc was heard complaining that he had no-one to talk to. This was soon remedied when the Seizure Stoppers charged the goal. The wheezing noise they made as they thundered past me sounded like a posse of Darth Vaders.

There followed a brief flurry in the goalmouth and eventually the ball was cleared by a truly remarkable back heel kick from Fred De Merc. “I`m a natural!” He modestly declared, as he did a Michael Jackson Moon walk around the goal. Such passion!!

It was a great relief to all when Mighty Vicko blew the whistle for half time. I should point out that half time is governed by either the 20 minutes of play or those who needed a natural break. Whichever comes first.

During half time, while orange segments supplied by Hurricane Helen, were being sucked dry, a tricky occurrence occurred. It happened thus.

During the week, the Bowlers, who play on a really nice green rug on the next pitch, had bought a small white Portacabin to use as an office. To further confirm that it was for the Bowlers only they had glued a large letter “B” to the door. I have to report that one or two of the football players mistook the letter on the door to indicate “Boys” and made full use of what they obviously thought was a convenience.

Understandably the Bowlers were more than a little distressed by this but eventually accepted that the mistake was made in all innocence and happened mainly because the players in question were not wearing their spectacles.

With everyone happy once more, the second half began in much the same way as the first with the Coffin Dodgers going straight into the attack.

Another new player, Bob Killer Curtis set up several moves and his efforts were rewarded when the coffin Dodgers scored another goal by Fiery Fred who was delirious with delight. Hurrah!

Not to be outdone Dave Rocker Roberts put yet another into the net. Hurrah! A fierce tackle caused Rob Longstride to tumble. “Stop!” he cried, “I`ve lost my specs!” Several women rushed onto the pitch to try and help retrieve them but left with disappointed expressions when they realised he had said spectacles. I don´t understand that.

Unbelievably Fiery Fred scored twice more, Hurrah! Hurrah! And Tony Notear scored their 8th and final goal. Hurrah!

PURELY by accident and in the last few minutes, Fiery Fred was accidentally pushed to the ground. Crying “Foul! Foul!” as over and over he rolled. I think if he`d stopped at the sixth roll Mighty Vicko would have let him get away with it but in the end all Fiery Fred got was a Red Card for over dramatisation.

The excitement from this game was barely over when the women took to the pitch. As only 6 girls turned up for the game two of the chaps played in goal. Once more the Mighty Vicko took charge and gathered the girls around him to explain the rules, especially to our two newcomers, Suehow Deedoo and Daisy Root.

Suddenly Vicko let out a high pitched scream and flew up from the huddle like rocket propelled bread from a turbo charged toaster.

Apparently, when Vicko said “You need to get a feel for the ball,” one of the girls totally misunderstood him. With his now well known Liverpool eloquence Vicko explained that with cold hands, it was a nasty mistake to make and could prove fatal to a man of his age.

Play began. With the grace one expects from such beauties the ball was passed between players until Trish the Warrior scored the first goal. Hurrah! All the girls rejoiced because it meant they could stop a while to adjust their makeup.

As the game went on and after several shots at goal, one of the girls became quite distressed. Ever the gentleman Vicko asked if there was a problem. “Every time I try to kick the ball into the net, that nasty man stops it.”

A perplexed Vicko tried to explain that the nasty man was there to stop the ball, but the girls decided that it wasn`t fair and she should allowed to take a penalty while he, the nasty man, kept out of the way. How sporting is that! Sadly she missed but that`s not the point!

Anyway the first half ended on a happy note.

The second half began when Suehow Deedoo passed the ball to Trish the Warrior. “Where are you going with that?” Suehow Deedoo enquired.

“Oh, I`ll be back in a minute I`m just going to score a goal.” And she did! Hurrah!

Due to excess strain and undue movement on materials unused to such activity, the elastic gave out on certain heavily censored areas and for a while it became a little unclear where waists ended and heavily censored areas began. A source of great distraction not only to the Mighty Vicko but to the rest of us as well.

In the interest of discretion photography was not permitted. With all that movement and even with Colin Scoop Wheeler`s skilful use of the camera, I feel sure the pictures would have looked either blurred or very out of focus.

The game ended in a very civilised 2 – 1 victory to the Zimmerretes from the brave Phyllosans.

By Bill White.