Walking Football 6th Press release
With Christmas and New Year a distant memory, the Dangerous Old Men Of Steel began their 6th game of Walking football here at Camping Los Gallardos. Sadly they still have to pick teams from players here on the site because as yet, no one else has found the courage to face this herculean group of ageing super heroes.
As I approached the field I could hear the cracking of bones, the creaking of arthritic joints and the thwacking snap of tendons as they finished their warm up routine.
Our ref, the Mighty Vicko blew his whistle and the game began. Straightaway Fiery Fred began his usual tirade of orders to all who would listen. “Go deep. Go long. Go wide. Go down the side.”
With great enthusiasm the crowd responded, “Go home!”
After only a few seconds Vicko was obliged to blow his whistle at an alleged foul by Alan De Boat. Alan remonstrated with the Mighty Vicko to which Vicko replied in his soft Liverpool lilt, “Shut up or I`ll send you back to bed!” Suitably chastened Alan accepted Vicko´s verdict and a free kick was awarded.
There was a flurry of very uncharacteristic proper football from the free kick which resulted in the Coffin Dodgers scoring the first goal of the match. Several players were quite upset at this sudden and quite unacceptable burst of competent play and threatened to go home, but luckily Peter Dem Bones Kelly stepped in and assured all present that proper play would not happen again.
Then, without the need for anything resembling proper football, the Coffin Dodgers scored their 2nd goal and the fans went wild. “This is what we came for, hurrah! Hurrah! Not that other rubbish, hurrah! Hurrah!”
Not to be out done the Seizure Stoppers made several high spirited attacks at goal. There was one player in particular, now known as Near Miss Chris, who tried again and again but each attempt was thwarted by the majestic Fred De Merc.
With several players flat on their back from exhaustion the mighty Vicko blew his whistle for half time.
Oxygen was administered to those who needed it while good use was made of the Rainbow Room and all too soon it was time for the 2nd half. The Mighty Vicko was retrieved from the bar but we had to wait for a little while for the Seizure Stoppers goalie to change ends because his guide dog wasn´t quite sure where it was.
Two goals down the Seizure Stoppers came out with renewed vigour. Very soon Vicko was obliged to give the yellow card to Fiery Fred after he called Peter Dem Bones Kelly a big tall beanstalk. Such language on the pitch!!
Near Miss Chris complained that because the goalie kept stopping his attempts at goal he should be charged with obstruction, but the Mighty Vicko would not hear of such nonsense. This is due in no small part because he suffers from selective deafness.
All through play we kept noticing sudden flashes of light. At first we thought it was the flash on Scoop Wheeler`s camera but it turned out to be the reflection of the sun on Scoop`s new set of gnashers. A couple of strips of masking tape soon cured this problem.
During the 2nd half Dave “Rocker” Roberts really came into his own by setting up several moves which resulted in two more goals for the Coffin Dodgers, which is how the game ended. Coffin Dodgers four and Seizure Stoppers Nil.
Last week I promised the women would play and that`s exactly what happened next. Onto the pitch they strode like graceful amazons. I could tell straightway that they were either very pleased to be there or it may have been the effect of a sudden cold breeze. How proud and erect they were.
Mighty Vicko called them together to explain the rules(?) and they went into a huddle. I don´t know what was said but Vicko came out grinning and the girls were all blushing.
They formed themselves into two teams. Captain Sue De Fedd led the Zimmerrettes all dressed in white and Trish the Warrior led the Phyllosans all dressed in black.
Might Vicko blew the whistle and play began. All went well for nearly two minutes then the ball was kicked above waist height causing Vicko to point to the perpetrator who immediately burst into tears so Vicko forgave her and play continued.
Hurricane Helen sped down the field but was quickly caught by Carol Legs Leary who retrieved the ball passing it across to Sue de Fedd. Suddenly Jakki the Ninja reclaimed the ball for the Phyllosans and began to dribble her way toward goal. This move came to an end when a conversation about nail varnish broke out.
Seizing the opportunity and with a leap that would make Darcey Bussell jealous Yvonne snatched away the ball, passed it to Sue De Feed who scored the first goal. Hurrah!
By now most of the other girls had joined in the conversation about nail varnish so Vicko blew the whistle for half time.
Wearing fresh lippy and makeup the 2nd half began. At first there was some confusion because, unfamiliar as they were with the rules of the game, it had to be explained that the 1st half was played from left to right and the 2nd half played from right to left. There were some blank and questioning looks until it was better explained that the first half is from wedding ring finger to other hand and then the 2nd half goes from the other hand back to wedding ring hand. Simples!
Of course by now it was nearly dark but play continued. Once again Hurricane Helen shot down the pitch weaving majestically between the players of the opposing team.
Unselfishly she passed it to Sue De Fedd who scored yet again for the Zimmerrettes.
So despite some brave play by the Phyllosans they were unable to score but everyone had a great time and agreed it was a wonderful game, played as it should be, for fun and enjoyment.
I have to say, and I put this as delicately as I can, there was a lot of movement from certain heavily censored body parts. I learned later that moves are afoot to prevent this from happening again……………..which is great pity. No! I said “pity!”
by Bill White